Some people are good to talk to, some people are good to have sex with.

My mother often says i am not good at expressing myself or making myself understood. She is constantly amazed at how others we know commonly would see and perceive me.

I used to ignore her words. A mix of youthful irreverence and optimism would blind me to the obvious truth. In making friends i would always connect with like minded people, i hardly made any attempts to make myself understood to the 'different' or try and understand the 'different'. Safe and absorbed in my self seeking.

Like a persistent ant i would seek and connect with the like minded. Yet time and again i was left dejected and heartbroken. Never the one to see a sign i would always bounce back and start afresh. i would 'fight back' with will and grit characteristically without even considering my 'setbacks' for i was strong and not easily disbeliefed.

Slowly and without my realizing my confidence took one too many dents. Somewhere i crossed the line between being a optimist and a fool. Between being persistence to obsessive. Self doubt stared creeping in and i didn't realize where my beliefs exited and dogma entered. I started feeling old, tired and increasingly frustrated, but still unaware of my predicament.

I stared considering myself unlucky, weak and oppressed. I had Integrity, but i started to believe i was the only one with it.

I stared making a fool of myself.

----------------------------

When at first you don't succeed, try again. However if you still don't succeed for gods sake STOP and give it a thought!

----------------------------

My witness is the empty sky -- Jack Kerouac

The universe is wonderful. It sees all and knows all. So when it conspires to fail you and frustrate you it for you to understand what it sees and what it wants you to know.

I just turned 27 and I am single, unemployed and balding. Sometimes i just sit in my bed and cry.
---------------------------------------------------
I'm through with standing in line, to clubs we'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be

- Rockstar by Nickelback

I love winters. Being a nature lover all seasons appeal to me, but as they say there is something about winters!. Life just seems acquire another dimension.

Winters make you think. It makes you stop and ponder about the meaning of life. For Nostalgia sucker like me, it opens the floodgates to the past. Memories old and new, of triumph and agony; of innocence and ignorance; of people and places; of a life lived and days gone by come rushing back.

My earliest memories revolve around standing in the vast school courtyard with friends and watching our breaths. While others used to study for the weekly tests on the way to school I used to watch the beautiful early morning fog covering Delhi from the school bus window.

College was a life altering. However what I remember with great pleasure are days when me and my buddy used to come together for the early morning class. We wud always decide to give the same class a miss and go for a long walk. We would end up at a construction site and with pleasure and immense relief take a piss and watch the vapors rise. Later we would buy coffee and biscuits and settle on back benches for anonymity.

Then there was her. Those flashing eyes, that smile, that warmth. :)

It is also the time when you wonder whatever happened to all those amazing people you met, but now have no clue about. The sweet light eyed girl from one of my earlier jobs, that amazing Lady who conducted my training to that girl who used to cycle with me in the colony roads.

And sometimes with people you do know, you wonder whatever happened to them. They
grow, evolve, change. Some for the better, some for the worse.

Winters also means love. Music touches new depths of soul and heart beats a beat faster.

During College money was always an issue. I remember going out with someone who had some to spare. It was a warm sunny winter day and I was late for the movie. I had to change two buses and huffing and puffing as I reached the venue I saw my friend. What followed next was one of those moments which are forever stretched in one memory. She was sitting on the stairs, staring at something in the distance. Unassuming and unaware. I smiled and ran up to meet her. 'I sorry I am late ...tickets'?

‘I already bought them’ she smiled. Life was wonderful.

There was also i time when I used to wake up early to exercise and experience the beauty of a winter dawn. The fog, the darkness, the cold, the stillness was all immensely overwhelming and calming at the same time.

And then there was the winter sun!. Me, my buddy, cigarettes, chips, cokes and the park. Lying on grass and worrying about our unemployed status was never so much fun. Gawd I miss those days.

Afternoons were all about playing cricket and gathering enough money for bare minimum petrol and a bottle of beer.

Times sure have changed. So have people, friends and circumstances. But then again nothing really has. I am still the same, the winters are still the same. Every once in while during winter no matter what, I still get up early and skip out of the house just to watch the world go by. God I love winters!

A few years back, I was lost. When I look back I realize those were wonder years. I was carefree, scared, searching for something, someone and just being lost. I was ignorant.

I am still a seeker, but the questions have changed. Now that I understand a lot of why's and a lot of truths I wonder about the futility and predictability of it all. I look for a higher meaning and a reason.

But that’s still is not what bothers me the most.

With the coming of self awareness has also come a sense of clarity and understanding of myself and the functioning of world around me. But it has also taken a way a lot.

I now realize why I act the way I do, why I feel the way I do, my thinking pattern, my feeling pattern, my highs, my lows, my quirks, my functioning..

It’s like being separating SELF from your URSELF and just looking at U. And it’s scary.

Its like being master of urself and realizing ur slave to it all!!!!!!!!!. It almost makes u cry out loud. Makes you wonder if they meant the same thing when they said 'Ignorance is Bliss'

Like gr8 bouts of highs and lows, this brings about a gr8 plateau. The biggest irony is that gr8 plateau is also a gr8 plateau of restlessness. It not that you stop feeling, it’s just that ur ability to understand, interpret and hence not emote or express it magnifies. For now u KNOW what you 'SEEK' and it is only that what you seek!!. Anything else does not excite you and what makes you restless is the rarity of what you seek!!

Phew!

Saw the new Nokia 5300 Ad. Like it very much.
Gr8 music.

"Digital Love" by Daft Punk

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?
Why don't you play the game ?


Also like the new Sony Ericsson ads! (I 'LOGO' Music). What a gr8 commercial!!. 10/10 for idea, targeted audience and execution. Brilliant.

Imagine

You 'like' someone.
That 'someone' also 'likes' you.

You are both CASUAL AQUANTAINCES at the moment. Both want something more.
You go to an event where that someone is also present. You were hoping but not expecting that person to be there. As are also several of your common acquaintances.

All through the event you stick to a corner. BECAUSE the way you feel about that certain someone, your unable to go up and say Hello. You don't want others to
notice.

The situation becomes so bad that you almost end up ignoring that 'someone'.

Now sometime later you do the usual thing. You 'try to converse' ‘move forward’. You notice certain stiffness, certain reluctance perhaps.

THIS continues. Nothing is being said, but you can sense it...its evident.

You realize 'WHY'

Being the person you are, you ASK -- if anything is wrong or did any of you actions caused some issue

-- 'No, Not at all'
-- 'Alright'

Hence you go back being where you were and you try again.
Same story..only more so, its almost an unsaid anger!. Like the person is confused weather to be angry or not!

Your budding relationship is in jeopardy.

1. You apologize?....And how do you assume you DID something....... wrong? and apologize for what? feeling
the way yo do... 2. Does the other person realize WHY you acted the way you did?3. And if nothing 'IS' wrong, then.......?


Imagine again

You 'like' someone.That 'someone' also 'likes' you.
It feels nice and natural.

Now you go to a event after a long absence of sorts. You hope to meet that 'someone'. You are with few of your buddies and other common acquaintances.

Its a warm sunny day and you wud like to say Hello.

You try but someone is just not looking you way. 'WHY'. You think its rude. You feel hurt ?
Another day someone says 'Hi'. Like always the person smiles.....Do you see a smirk?. You are angry?


How do you show your anger to a 'Casual Acquaintance’? You want an apology??.

-- ' Is anything wrong, did you mind my......'
-- ' Off course not' (don't you see it!!!!)
-- 'Alright'

'What??'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a ordinary cool winter evening and i was a with one of my best pals. We were walking down a nondescript road in a lower middle class locality. We were out shopping after a long time and hopping to have a good time. As we were walking, i noticed a really old hawker sitting down on the pavement and moaning. His cart stood aside indicating he had dismounted just a moment ago. He was old, with sparse disheveled white hair. As we approached closer we could see was breathing heavy and was in gr8 discomfort. His legs were out in front on him and he was pressing his chest while shaking to and fro. He was really old. A women, probably his wife sat next to him was rubbing his arm. I am not sure but I think there was also a very small kid beside. Out of curiosity and concern I stared at the guy, his wife looked up and our eyes met. They were just that..just eyes, looking. I wonder if I caught a glimpse of concern in them. But that was all.

"What’s wrong with him"
"I don't know..he seems sick."
"He looks very sick..i think he just collapsed on the road"
"Is he having a heart attack?"
"I don't know ..should we do anything"
"What.."

We kept walking...

I kept turning and looking back.....the women looked at me again...nothing.

"He is just too old"
"I think he was coughing"
"I am a bit shaken"
"I guess he wud be okay..he was just coughing"

I was distressed, i felt like going back..doing something. What?

We turned at the end of the road. I felt sick, i felt chocked as i thought about the old man. probably he was dying!
A lump appeared in my throat, My friend could sense it.... we both kept walking..........