My mother often says i am not good at expressing myself or making myself understood. She is constantly amazed at how others we know commonly would see and perceive me.

I used to ignore her words. A mix of youthful irreverence and optimism would blind me to the obvious truth. In making friends i would always connect with like minded people, i hardly made any attempts to make myself understood to the 'different' or try and understand the 'different'. Safe and absorbed in my self seeking.

Like a persistent ant i would seek and connect with the like minded. Yet time and again i was left dejected and heartbroken. Never the one to see a sign i would always bounce back and start afresh. i would 'fight back' with will and grit characteristically without even considering my 'setbacks' for i was strong and not easily disbeliefed.

Slowly and without my realizing my confidence took one too many dents. Somewhere i crossed the line between being a optimist and a fool. Between being persistence to obsessive. Self doubt stared creeping in and i didn't realize where my beliefs exited and dogma entered. I started feeling old, tired and increasingly frustrated, but still unaware of my predicament.

I stared considering myself unlucky, weak and oppressed. I had Integrity, but i started to believe i was the only one with it.

I stared making a fool of myself.

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When at first you don't succeed, try again. However if you still don't succeed for gods sake STOP and give it a thought!

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My witness is the empty sky -- Jack Kerouac

The universe is wonderful. It sees all and knows all. So when it conspires to fail you and frustrate you it for you to understand what it sees and what it wants you to know.